You're A God

Listening now to Vertical Horizon's hit - You're A God - circa early 2000.

You know how music evokes emotions? How it surfaces feelings associated with memories of the song? Well, that's what's happening now.

I was in uni around the time this song came out. I loved it. I remember how I felt when a few boys would sing (or say) this song to me. I felt on top of the world. Very much wanted and loved. I could have anything I wanted.

Things have changed. I know it's a weird feeling I'm feeling now. I mean, MJ and I are not fighting. In fact, we're doing fine. However, I feel real sad. Like REALLY sad that I've been bawling my eyes out. This is going to sound absolutely weird but it's the kind of sad comparable to a breakup. Why?? Beats me. I'm just very sad. I think this is just me missing my mummy. And Mhargotx. The people who love me. The people who'd know me so well that if I decide not to show up for Friday night drinks would automatically know something's wrong and would rather be with me and sort me out. There's no one that would do that for me now. I just cancelled on Friday night drinks and gave out the lamest reason that I was tired. And they all took it. The night goes on. I miss being understood and loved. I miss the concern. Although I never ask for concern nor do I demand attention, it's just good knowing that there's a few people out there who would give it to me regardless if I ask for it or not.

It's sad to say I don't have anyone now who knows me well enough (or loves me well enough) to give me concern and love even if I shy away from it. I miss the feeling and I miss the people. It's true what they say - you can't have everything all at once.

I traded that feeling of love and company of people who love me with the life that I'm living now - the life that I've always wanted to have.

Is it a fair trade-off? Don't know. Like Enya's song goes, only time will tell.

Winds of Change

While I'd been so comfortable with the crisp spring air, summer is making its presence felt. Summer's punishing heat can be unbearable and sucks out all the energy out of me.

No matter how hot the day, our group of friends still managed to have a little get together at Warren's house to watch the boxing match between the Philippine's pride Manny Pacquiao against Antonio Margarito of Mexico. Although I'm not into boxing (at all - too gruesome!), I did end up having a good time today. MJ and I went to church early and stopped by Granville for some El Jannah roasted chicken, with garlic sauce of course, to bring to the screening. Boys started out with some beers while I had some lemon lime and bitter. I was the only rose among the thorns as all the ladies couldn't make it for one reason or another.

But at the end of the afternoon, I'd felt so exhausted. Exhaustion not from physical exertion but from the heat. Thank God for cold showers. I feel a lot better now. Today is just a reminder of the hot Australian summer on its way. Can't do much about it but seasons change.

It just feels a bit eventful to me because, just in time as we have this seasonal change, there's a change brewing inside of me too. I used to have grey tinted lenses as I got up in morning which made everything look dreary and drab. Now, I wake up with a spring in my step and a renewed vision on life and all the good the world has to offer - including hot Australian summers.

xoxo
Deb

Wafts of Cinnamon and Joy

Nothing extraordinary happening today. Almost like a typical weekend with the arvo devoted to cleaning and tidying up the place until I came across last year's Holiday CD...

White Christmas

featuring Rosemary Clooney, Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong,

Bing Crosby, Brook Benton & many more

I excitedly jumped up and played the CD. Amidst the vacuum noise, I could feel my heart skip a beat and jump with joy with these holiday tunes. Gotta love old school music with the horns blaring and good old soothing voices, plus the fact that the songs are all from my favorite holiday of all couldn't make it any better.

I haven't got the Christmas tree up yet, I really haven't gone all out with my Christmas shopping and I still have yet to stop by the Christmas Warehouse, but slowly, I can feel it coming. I can smell the wafts of Cinnamon in the air with a faint hint of joyous laughter.

Can't wait for the Christmas Holidays! :)

Gotta Get It Together

Ever felt like things are all out of place? A lot of things are in disarray? Well, this wasn't a familiar feeling years ago but I'm drowning in it now.

I've always been the organised kind - the type of person who knew exactly where everything is and how things are tracking. This is exactly why I prefer the minimalist lifestyle. Minimalist in my design and schedule so I can keep track of everything and be fully aware of my schedule. This isn't saying that I've got a photographic memory, that I never miss birthdays or any other special date. This simply means I make lists. I note down all that I need to know and remember and tick items off that list when its done.

I miss that person!!

I woke up with the gnawing feeling that I need to organise.. not just my lists but organise my life. I started with the basics like my workspace, my schedule, bills to pay but even that is driving me up the wall! Seriously, this is very frustrating, folks. Breathe in, breathe out. I know I can do this because I have done it before. I hate losing track of time, of wasting the day without seeing anything productive gone. I even miss blogging too. I love blogging but there's just so many things that preoccupy my mind space that I've forgotten about blogging and so many other things that I enjoy.

So that's my goal. Today, I'm going to start organising my work space, my computer, my song lists, bills. Tomorrow, maybe I can start organising the rest of my life.

xoxo

Deborah

A Lightbulb Moment

I've been seeing a counsellor (aka shrink, whatever you choose to call it) recently. She helps put things in perspective whenever crisis mode hits, which believe me, can happen very often.

Recently, I've found myself not enjoying the activities that I used to enjoy. When I told my counsellor this she helped me organise a values list. This list has all the things, people, ideologies and basically all that I value and uphold. She said whenever I don't feel like doing anything that I used to enjoy, to re-visit my values list and affirm myself that what I'm doing or about to do is strengthening the things that I uphold most in life.

Satisfaction from re-affirming my values will bring about happiness and enjoyment in whatever I'm doing or whoever I'm talking to.

May sound like simple and basic concept for some people but this was actually a light bulb moment for me.

More good things to come.

It's All About Me

Today is Indulgence Day.

For whatever reason, good or bad, I'm not revealing on here. But today has been a day of Indulgence. Doing anything that pleases me. Hedonistic? Yes. But I needed this today.

For brekky, I had a slice of caramel cheesecake.

For lunch, I had a chocolate muffin, a latte plus a leisurely stop at Border's self-help section. This was followed by an hour and a half of getting lost in a great book.

Afternoon tea was an hour and a half of full body massage with aromatic oil.

Dinner was an hour and a half at church followed by a good bottle of red. With matching house music while doing laundry and a whole lot more of self indulgence.

It's not wrong to expressively love oneself. Even for just a day.

Retail Therapy

I might submit a new claim to the Medical Journals out there - retail therapy is a more effective anti-depressant out there. Ok, ok, I might be exaggerating here and yes, I don't have any studies or laboratory tests to back up my claim but will personal experience count?

The past few days and weeks haven't been my best. I've been trying to re-evaluate my life and find the meaning. The realisation that some friends out there may not have your best interest has not been pleasant at all. So going through the motions whole week was the M.O. until Alanna sent me the email about the Peeptoe Shoe sale. Say that again? YES, Peeptoe was having a warehouse shoe sale. Finally, something to pull me out of my lumpy, dumpy mood. Needless to say, I feel better now.

Gorgeous aren't they?

Musings on a Saturday Night

It's a Saturday night, I'm home alone. But it's all good. MJ is off at work. He should be home in a couple of hours or so. Quite happy with this alone time as I get to spend it all as "me" time. I've had a nice hour-long bath with citrus smelling bubbles. I've been reading my Pharmacology book, trying to review long lost knowledge from the uni years. With my trusty chamomile tea keeping me company, I'm happy. Happy and contended.

In between my readings (during brain over load times), I sneak a peek at Facebook where I check how my very good friends from back in the Philippines are doing. If I've got something to say to them that's a little bit more private, I send an SMS et voila! I'm connected to them like they're only 30-minutes away.

I'm full of hope for the future, looking forward to brighter things. I look forward to the hug and kiss I get in 2 hours. I look forward to having my hair all done in a couple of months. I look forward to seeing my friends 9 months from now. I look forward to living with my parents again in a year's time. I look forward to achieving my career aspirations in 2 years time. I can go on and on about the things I am hopeful for. It's all about attitude really. I can, if I want, focus on the more unfortunate side of things. Because let's all admit it, life is never really a bed of roses. But I will consciously choose the happier side. The side where my heart is filled with gladness and joy.

Each night and each morning, I talk my God. I tell God about how thankful I am for all the blessings he has given me. I tell God about my hopes and dreams and how I need His blessings.

I hope everyone gets to share this feeling too. It is my hope that everyone spends some time in their hectic lives to talk to the One who can make all things possible. Not to sound all religious but God can calm the turmoil in our hearts, the restlessness in our minds and the frantic spirit.

Life is good. But this has to be a conscious choice that all needs to make. Sounds very simple but this secret to happiness does need effort put into it. The good thing is, it's all in our hands and all up to us.

Calling

Is it possible to put out a call to someone without letting the rest of the world know?

You might say I can direct my message straight to that person but what if I don't know who that right someone is? How can that person hear it when I don't even know who he/she is.

To an uninformed person reading this might seem like nothing but garble or some strange fictional thought. But to the self, this is a cry out to the universe with a resounding reaction from a heart full of passion and pain.

Diet FAIL!

Valentines Day came around the weekend and it was lovely. Friday, MJ sent lovely flowers to the office - pink lilies, my fave!

We had Chinese dinner afterwards. Simple, nothing too pricey but just as good as any other fancy restaurant. I had pork cutlets with black peppper sauce. Yumm! I tried holding back on the rice but the sauce was too spicy and had to be mellowed down with the rice.

Next day, the celebrations continued. I had to go to Westfield to get my tracksuit altered (had to be shortened) and on the way home, MJ suggested we have lunch at our favorite Yum Cha place - Prince Restaurant in Parra. And again, it was a non-stop eatfest for both of us. I had my pork, prawn and scallops dim sim, mango pudding a few other yummy stuff. After lunch, that's when I realised I had a Valentine/Chinese New Year dinner party to go to at Din's.

Oh, the Burmese noodle, spring rolls, grilled pork belly with rice and Tiny's deliciously yummy mango float were all to die for. After my heavy lunch I though I'd be good for dinner but all the dishes were too irresitible. And yes, I shouldn't forget to mention the bubbly that we had as well.

Sunday came around and I thought my weekend feasting should be done and over with. MJ had made plans to go see a movie - Valentines Day. As the voucher we had was for Hoyt's and the closest one we had was at Blacktown, we HAD to stop by the Filo restaurant and whatelse, EAT! I had bistek and monggo soup. MJ had fried fish and sinigang na baboy. Of course, I couldn't resist sampling the fried fish. After watching the movie, our afternoon date continued with a coffee and an original glazed Krispy Kreme donut.

So, I did have a happy and extremely indulgent Valentine weekend. Lots of laughs and good times. But at the same time, a massive FAIL at my healthy diet.

Ain't So Sweet No More

I'm pretty sure my title sounds very redundant but I think you get the point. I'm saying NO to sugar ~ processed sugar that is. This is something I've thought about and the benefits are obvious. Although sugar (chocolate, most especially, yum!) gives me that high and feeling of satiety, the sluggish feeling comes creeping in soon after. The worse thing is, the sluggish feeling just drags on and on, a whole lot longer than the "high" feeling.


Also, it's ruining my project DIB. I work out, I go to the gym, but all efforts gone to waste because of me falling for delectable, delicious sweets. So yes, from now on, I'm going to try real hard to stay away from processed sweets and turn to fruits for my sugar cravings. I'm not going to say I'm completely shunning it because let's face it, I'm only human. But I sure will try.

P.S.
This vow isn't binding till tomorrow. I've got yummy chocolate wafers on me. hehe. But promise, tomorrow. ;)

Continuing DFP

Towards the end of my first DFP Subject - Foundations of Financial Planning - it was a struggle. I thought to myself "Alright, this is the last hurdle. I'll just get through this and I'll devote my efforts to Pharmacy."

Upon passing my assessment and exam, I was ecstatic! Finally, the end of it.. I've gotten rid of it. It's now a next chapter in my life.. And I think I might have blogged about that too.

It's been a few days after that and I've now started thinking.. Maybe it's good for me to continue my DFP studies. What use would 1 subject be if I don't finish the remaining 3? On the other hand, I thought what good would a Diploma in Financial Planning be if I don't intend to pursue it as a career? But then again I thought, at least I'll have something to fall back on. Even if I don't pursue it, at least I've got an Australian degree that I can fall back on. And hey, if the company is paying for it, why not continue on the challenge.

I can do it better this time.

For sure, I'll be blogging about my tragedies in the next few ones. he he. So, here goes nothing!

My hubby's 28th!

Had a blast last night celebrating MJ's 28th birthday... I can feel us both creeping up the late 20s. Blink and we'll find ourselves hitting the big 3-oh!

Through the troughs and peaks, we going to get through life together. Every single year, we keep getting better at it. I love you, Hugs!

Skinny Minnie Me

I know it's wrong to say or even think about this but I want to...

I am obsessed with being skinny!

It's not obvious yes, I know. But how I wish I really was!

It's February already?

How dare February creep up on me like that? Didn't I just blink and then *poof* it's the bloody second month of 2010! Suddenly, I get frantic & frazzled. How's project DIB doing? Well, my achievements haven't been stellar, but I've had some progress. I hope to keep it up. A few more months to go before the great reveal! :)



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Gok-inspired

A sensible wardrobe should have 24 pieces that can mix and match.

Few items I remember: palazzo pants, white undershirts, white button down shirt, neutral & statement jacket.

Good to note: pick pieces that revolve around a statement color that compliments the skintone.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

(FFP) Chapter Closed

I was off work yesterday because my FFP exam was scheduled in the afternoon. It's the first subject I'm taking for my Diploma in Financial Planning. I was pretty chill about it at first knowing that I easily passed the online practise exams. But as the hours were winding down, I started feeling anxious about it. Coming from a quick catch up lunch with the girls - Teena, Jericho and Ela - I was half an hour early for the exam. While waiting for the time, I noticed all the other examiners fidgeting with their notes, nervously flicking through the pages of the module and noisily typing on their calculators. I thought to myself, "Geez, every one's pretty nervous about this, should I be too?". After that thought, I started to panic and began mimicking everyone. I started racing through each of the eight modules' review questions and then I started panicking. But it was too late, soon after, we got called in the exam room and I said my last prayer. Last prayer for the Holy Spirit to enlighten my mind and help me pass the exam. Straight after my "Amen", I could feel myself calm down and start answering the questions. The answers didn't come to me very easily though. I had to review my answers a couple of times and kept flicking through my notes (thank God for open-book exams!). Halfway through, I dared to press the Submit Exam button quickly scanning for my score. I was saw nervous that it took me a good 45 seconds to find the result - Competent! Ahh, the only word I was hoping for. Yay! I was practically skipping out of the room. I felt extra good too because I was the first one in our batch to finish the exam.

Done. Dusted. Finito.

I can go back my normal life now. For now, I can say bye-bye to my notes and read my magazines.

Till my next study time.

Toxicity

Life is full of challenges. One of the greatest ones I fear now is the presence of toxic people. This one particular person always brings out the worst in me.

Betrayal makes me feel, well, betrayed. It's a very negative feeling. Dishonesty is another toxic trait. This leads to anger and resentment.

I try to resist and stay away from these kinds of negativity. I try, really hard. But I'm not strong enough. Sometimes I win against it, but there are just those times when it goes under my skin and makes me an evil person. I wish there was someone out there who can tell me how to rise above this.

I want to be a positive person. I really do. I need help and more practice. I will rise above this all.

Day 1 – Inertia

The first step is always the hardest. Whether it be leaving a lover or starting a new diet, there’s always a resistance to change. I believe physicists call it inertia.

Although it’s hard to break away from old habits, I am consciously making an effort to change and get rid of my inner monsters. Today’s monster was the hermit Grinch. I always thought of myself as being a social butterfly. One that could talk and carry on a conversation with almost anybody. I used to be in PR, you know. But now, I’ve got this anti-social monster within me that prefers to be alone, live in a cave and not having to talk to people – especially the ones I’m not particularly fond of.

Today I did well in putting hermit Grinch back in the cave. We had our pre-Australia Day BBQ in the office and being part of the Social Committee (ironic, huh?), I helped prepare the salads and the physical arrangement – with a smile. When my team didn’t come to the BBQ immediately, I went ahead and sat with a new bunch of people. Made an effort to put in conversation and smile :)

Well, that’s a start, aint it?

The gang is spending the weekend up the coast. A double date of sorts - MJ and myself with Bert and Tiny. Thinking about it last night, I thought to myself, “I’m gonna be too tired by the time I get to Gosford. After working all day, I would want to rest and sleep instead of having to socialise, talk and drink.” But today is a new day and the hermit Grinch is banished!

I was reading on MSN.com today that we should start each day with a thought of something to look forward to. My happy thought for the day is looking forward to spending time with great friends and have a great time.

It seems to be working! :)

2010 - This year is my year!

Projects thrill me... I love working towards something and the anticipation of reaching the goal keeps me going. The closer it gets, the more effort I put into it. Then I reach the summit, sweet victory.

I just started on a mini-project. ME!

My birthday this year marks me turning 26 - ladies and gentlemen, I'll be in my late twenties! Wow... So I thought my birthday this year would mark the unveiling of a new me and of the person who I want to be.

I think what's holding me back from reaching my dreams is just me. I now have more than I've ever had before. Sometimes I think I'm just scared to embrace what's out there. Other times I think I don't deserve all the good and great things that come my way.

Browsing on MSN.com today, I came across an article about making this year - my year. Covering all topics about making a career change to overhauling my look.

So yes my project, let's call it Do-it-Deb (DIB), is on it's way.

I reckon the more often I document it, the more I keep track of where things are at. The more aware I am, the more I can push myself and achieve.

Project Name: Do it Deb (DIB)

Project presentation date: 15 May 2010

Project Manager: yours truly

Tag line: Woohoo!

Cheers to better times and being the person I truly am meant to be - happy!!

Scribble, Scrabble, Nothing but Words

Words might mean a lot in here, in fact it might even mean the world to someone like me. But in reality, do they even mean anything? There’s this age old saying I often hear that

Actions speak louder than words, but words support the action.

Not in my world. You see, my problem is that the words do not align with actions and vice versa. I hear words of promises of change and of improvement. I get hugs and kisses. But promises do not equal hugs, neither does improvement = kisses.

I’m told I’m loved. Yet I don’t feel it. Isolation is what I feel. Most days I put up with it. Most days I sometimes think it’s just me “wanting more and more and is never satisfied”. But some days, I wake up without the muddled eyes. Like the mud has been washed away and I see clearly. These destructive houghts I’ve got have just been planted there by toxic people. Insecure persons do everything to try to bring you down. This makes them feel better about themselves, you see. But how do you help an insecure person? I’ve tried boosting the morale by praises and recognising and rewarding achievements but all I’ve got in return is a person taking advantage of my goodness and sucking the positivity out of me. Now I’m left a dry, empty almost lifeless person with little respect for myself. I’ve been made to think I deserve the abuse - physical, emotional and mental - and neglect.

It’s very hard to talk to a person who prefers to see the world with closed eyes and using only his imagination. This kind of person thinks that there is no truth aside from the truth he makes. It’s hard to make someone open up his eyes when all he wants to do is live in his muddled world of lies. I’ve almost given up hope.

The only tiny bit of hope left is for me not to let these toxic thoughts and people get close to me. I can slowly rebuild and maybe start to become happy again. I can’t save everyone so I better start saving myself before I completely drown.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all!

It's that time of year again when I write down my resolutions for the year. Let's see what we've got.

1. Keep weight at maximum 53 kg.

2. Be debt free.

3. Get my driving license.

4. Enroll in make up class.

5. Go for a walk everyday.

6. Gym 4 times a week - consistently!

7. Be more ladylike

8. Refrain from negative thoughts and stay away from toxic people.

9. Indulge self more - even if it means DIY spa night

10. Organise iTunes music library.

11. Continue studies.

aaand it's a wrap! I think. Well, that's all I can think of for now. But of course, it's not a final list. It can constantly evolve and change as the year goes on.

2010 is about moving forward and not backwards.

We write our own histories. I'll start a blank page today and keep on writing. Clean slate with interesting stuff happening in the new year.

Best wishes to everyone!