Scribble, Scrabble, Nothing but Words

Words might mean a lot in here, in fact it might even mean the world to someone like me. But in reality, do they even mean anything? There’s this age old saying I often hear that

Actions speak louder than words, but words support the action.

Not in my world. You see, my problem is that the words do not align with actions and vice versa. I hear words of promises of change and of improvement. I get hugs and kisses. But promises do not equal hugs, neither does improvement = kisses.

I’m told I’m loved. Yet I don’t feel it. Isolation is what I feel. Most days I put up with it. Most days I sometimes think it’s just me “wanting more and more and is never satisfied”. But some days, I wake up without the muddled eyes. Like the mud has been washed away and I see clearly. These destructive houghts I’ve got have just been planted there by toxic people. Insecure persons do everything to try to bring you down. This makes them feel better about themselves, you see. But how do you help an insecure person? I’ve tried boosting the morale by praises and recognising and rewarding achievements but all I’ve got in return is a person taking advantage of my goodness and sucking the positivity out of me. Now I’m left a dry, empty almost lifeless person with little respect for myself. I’ve been made to think I deserve the abuse - physical, emotional and mental - and neglect.

It’s very hard to talk to a person who prefers to see the world with closed eyes and using only his imagination. This kind of person thinks that there is no truth aside from the truth he makes. It’s hard to make someone open up his eyes when all he wants to do is live in his muddled world of lies. I’ve almost given up hope.

The only tiny bit of hope left is for me not to let these toxic thoughts and people get close to me. I can slowly rebuild and maybe start to become happy again. I can’t save everyone so I better start saving myself before I completely drown.