Growing up,there were times when some little girls would go running to their mums crying because of something I said or done. I remember not intending to hurt or be mean but just saying things matter-of-factly would sometimes hurt other people's feelings. At that time, my mum taught me to think before I speak and consider if there was a better way I could phrase my thoughts that would still get the point across without hurting other people. From a young age, I took this lesson on and formed relationships around this. With enough mindfulness, it worked! Although there are times when the right buttons are pressed and I reach the limit of my patience and lose control that I revert back to my old habit of "just saying" the painful truth. I end up hurting people again and I instantly regret losing my cool.
It takes practise and patience not hurting people. I bite my tongue a lot of times, process my thoughts before saying anything that could potentially be hurtful. Funny thing is, people that don't know me well enough think I am too nice because I don't say anything mean. People think that because I will choose to see the brighter side of things that this is a sign of weakness. My preference to diffuse a potentially explosive situation is perceived as being a fence-sitter and indecisiveness. Funny. Well, foolish really, if I have to be honest.
Being raised in a Christian home also taught me that those who put themselves first will be last and the ones who put themselves last will be brought forward. Jesus, who is the ultimate master made himself a servant of all men. My basic thoughts would always be to put myself first and make everything work to my advantage. However, I choose to be more than basic. I chose to be an improvement of my primal self. I choose to be better. So, being considerate and kind is something I always try to do. Even if I don't feel like doing it, I will go out of my way to be nice. Even if it is not my nature, I will be polite. But in this world, nice-ness and politeness is taken as being synonymous to a doormat a.k.a permission to walk all over me. Again, how foolish people can be.
From a very young age, I've been aware of what pain I can be capable of causing. And because I choose to be a better person, I am happy. Yet people with very basic thinking processes force me to deviate from what I've been striving to achieve and revert back to my most primal nature. So, coming full circle and not filtering my thoughts and actions may not be my ideal but in certain situations, are completely necessary.
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